RESTAURANT NAPKINS could be better.

Fed up with white fuzz on her black pants suits, A.S. asks, “Why do all nice restaurants have white napkins?” Ah yes, A.S., this is one of my pet peeves too.

Before a business lunch, I often go to great lengths to lint roll all of my dog’s shiny white hairs off my just-been-cleaned-but-already-mysteriously-covered-in-fur trousers…only to end up with a lapful of contrasting fluffies.

Even the finest eateries use snow white linens because, in the words of one restaurateur, “they’re easier to clean. You can just bleach them and be done with it.” Excuse me, but when I’m paying $29 for a slab of corn-fed beast, I don’t really care about the joint’s laundry costs

Listen up, master chefs. I’d like a black napkin, please. In fact, I’d like a choice of three or four colors. I ‘m pretty sure I’m not alone in this; I can’t possibly be the only one dry cleaning a Georgio suit after only one wear.

Get with it, Wolfgangs of the world! Even In-N-Out offers fuzz-free lap mats.

MY FRIENDS’ LOVE LIVES could be better.

K.M. has two friends who live in her condo complex. She thinks they’d be perfect for one another, but doesn’t want to meddle—especially because they all kick it Melrose Place-style, around a communal courtyard. So, K.M. asks, “How can I hook my neighbors up on a date without being too obvious?”

  

First of all, what is it with you readers and your personal problems? Doesn’t anyone have a mechanical object for me to improve upon or, perhaps, the proper use of a semicolon in question? Well, while you all search your junk drawers for something I can really “fix,” I’ll help K.M. out.

This is a two-step process. First, find some sort of household problem at your pad that requires assistance in order to be fixed. (The hook-up for a refrigerator’s water filter is a good one, as is hanging a mirror or large painting. Anything that might require two people to lift an item of furniture will also work.)

Once you’ve identified the task, ask your two friends to come over and help you out “for five minutes.” Introduce them, if they don’t already know each other, get them to collaborate in helping you with said unpaid labor, and then give them both a glass of lemonade afterward and let them chat.

Hopefully, this will have kindled some interest. If it does not, bail out now. However, if there’s even a smidge of subtle flirting going on (such as your gal pal playing with her earring or your neighbor dude adjusting his ball cap), you’re good to go.

Now, buy a gift certificate for a cute little restaurant in your hood. Yes, purchase only one. Write both of their names on it and stick it in an envelope along with a “Thanks for your help!” note. Give the gift to Mr. Fix-It. Hopefully, he’ll see that it’s for a party of two and will ask her out. They can go out to dinner “as just friends” (on your generous dime) and the rest will be up to them.

If, for some reason, Dick doesn’t ask Jane out, let it be. Either he didn’t get the hint, didn’t have the courage to make it happen, or didn’t want to eat spaghetti—a la Lady and the Tramp—with your buddy. No matter which of these scenarios it is, rest assured, she’s better off single.

Now, about those solo-TV dinners and your recent piano lesson obsession … perhaps there’s another stud in your condo corral who can help you with that complicated DVD hookup in your bedroom. I think you could use a little neighborly “help” as well, my dear. Just a thought.