Frustrated at his attempts to woo the female of the species online, P.K. asks, “Do you want to edit something for me? How about my MySpace profile? I want to attract women. Shocking, huh?! What shall I write to attract the fairer sex?”
Although this traipses into the Dear Abbey realm, I think I might be able to help out on this one, P.K. Not only am I an online dating veteran (still have some of the shrapnel to prove it, actually), I also met my lovely boyfriend on MySpace nearly one year ago. (It was entirely his doing, by the way. I’m far too cool to troll the web. Ahem.)
In any event, it really all boils down to a very self-centric profile, filled with obscure things that you enjoy and inside jokes, whilst giving the outward impression that you couldn’t care less if anyone else gives a damn. It’s kind of like high school, in that regard. Then, again, this is MySpace that we’re talking about.
I’ve taken the liberty of comparing your answers with a couple other guy pals of mine, who both seem to attract more than their fair share of net-tail. Hopefully, the contrast will provide more insight than embarrassment. If not, keep in mind, I warned you all that I’m not that great at the “people skills” thing.
AGE: First of all, list your true number—even if you’re not defined by it. My example dudes, C. and D., both list their true ages. Not giving any age (or going with “100”) shows a lack of confidence about the candles on your cake…and, actually, makes everyone think you’re older than you are—no matter how many clicks are on the odometer. (Note: This maxim is only true for guys. Women have to list bogus ages so that they don’t get randomly browsed all the time. Lame, but true.)
ABOUT ME: There is a lot of leeway in this section, but there are certain commonalities that I’ve found to be true of the eCassavonas.
1. Swear at least once in this section. It shows you’re human and reinforces the fact that you don’t give a flip about convention. Added bonus: Chicks dig bad boys. Particularly good choices seem to include “bullshit” or “fuck.”
2. Refer to things that are specific only to you. For instance, D. writes that he is an “amateur photographer, full-time enabler,” while C. notes, “I am superstitious about the things I like.” These statements clearly aren’t designed to attract anyone; they simply leave ‘em wanting more.
3. Make sure to allude to the horizontal mambo, either directly or indirectly. C. flat out says: “I am an artist, whether using words, colors, music, or sex (lots of sex),” and D. admits that he’s an “all-around hedonist.” It may seem tactless to talk it up to someone you don’t even know, but let’s face it, a woman knows within five minutes of meting a man whether she’d ever consider sleeping with him. You have to plant the seed before you even get to her front door. (Wait…that sounded kind of dirty. See!)
SONG: Make sure you have a great tune on your page. The ladies need to be put in the mood to stay and read a while. I’d recommend a female-sung ballad or any piano-heavy ditty. My song right now is “Love Song” by Sara Bareilles. (Granted, I’m not picking up any fillies, but still…) Also, don’t worry that your song will sound gay. D. has a great k.d. lang tune kickin’ that sure made me want to linger.
INTERESTS (and all they entail): The more specific, enigmatic, and obscure, the better. D. is definitely on the right track here with things like “single malt scotch, travel, ice cream, Magritte, Playstation” (and so on.) C. is simply straightforward with “Photoshop rocks!” Neither is trying to impress any ladies with these kooky faves…and, yet, they do.
Things that do not prompt a PYT to click the “Add Me” button include well-worn words such as: car, boat, motorcycle (which sound showy); surfing, skiing, rollerblading (which everyone claims to do but no one has actually done in years); and dining out, movies, museums (sorry, but these keywords are the realm of the serial dater).
WHO I’D LIKE TO MEET: You’ve probably figured out by now that I’m going to tell you not to write anything about meeting “The One.” (That really ought to be covered in the “Here For” spot in your “Details” section.) Don’t worry; she’ll see it there. I promise.
Once again, be really specific and honest. You’re obviously not looking for just anyone interested in a meaningful relationship. I’m assuming you want to find someone that really clicks with you—not just a child bearer. Don’t be afraid of alienating someone that “might” be right. She won’t be. And the one that is right won’t be intrigued by a generic, “I’ll take any woman above a seven” approach.
D. has nothing at all listed in this section, which definitely fits the enigmatic mold…but is probably not the best tack for you. C. asserts that he wants to meet someone who, “give without expectations, and receive without guilt” and is able to, “be alone without disappearing.” Now, that’s compelling.
OVERALL: Last, but not least, you must “pimp” your page. A blank page says “I have no idea what I’m doing here, but it seems like a good place to pick up chicks.” As we’ve reviewed earlier, your approach should be, “My page is so damn cool that everyone should be flocking to it…even you…if you feel like it, I guess.” A MySpace page without a background is like a studio apartment without any art on the walls.
Go to freeweblayouts.net or groovymachine.com or some other such site and get busy. (Just make sure your pop-up blocker is on.) It’s not nearly as complicated as it seems; the directions are all there. Basically, it just involves pasting code into your “About Me” section. If you can’t figure it out, ask anyone under the age of 27 to help you.
In summary, the very essence of MySpace is individuality, expression, and personal taste. It’s a free-range vestige in today’s homogenized world. Let the naysayers do exactly that; MySpace is actually a wonderful place to meet people.
My favorite thing to tell people about Los Angeles is that since it’s a city of ten million people, if you’re one in a million, that means there are nine other people just like you. You just have to find them.
