HOSPITAL GOWNS could be better.

I was watching “House” last night and pondering at the pathetic, unchanging state of hospital gowns. The fashion industry has managed to make every delivery person, vet tech, and flight attendant look better and feel more comfortable, but it can’t seem to afford this luxury to a garment that nearly all of us will spend time in at one point. Are sick and bedridden synonymous with ugly and unflattering?

Surely someone can remedy this “Don’t” quite easily. I’ve seen some fantastic strappy, backless numbers that would certainly do the trick. Granted, they’re not exactly appropriate for a clinical setting. Point is, we can do better. (It is, after all, called a “gown” for God’s sake.) If not a complete garment overhaul, can we at least swap out gray with little blue polka dots for something a little less bland?

I hear a “Project Runway” challenge coming on!

HANDS-FREE DEVICES could be better.

Tell me the truth, fair readers. Do these ears look unusually small to you? Because I can’t see them, have I been oblivious to the fact that the orifices on the sides of my head just aren’t normal?

The fact is, I can’t find a hands-free device that fits to save my life. Believe me, I’ve tried. After buying–and returning–countless sets (including iPhone’s branded products, Plantronics nifty new line, and Jawbra’s futuristic gadget), I have become convinced that the “problem” must just be my woefully misshapen ears. If others were having similar frustrations, surely I would have heard about it, right?

I’ve performed Google searches and scoured CNET searching for any reviews about earbuds that work especially well for ladies. Unfortunately, the results have amounted to comments such as, “These probably won’t be comfortable for women.” What the hell?

Until now, the issue has merely been irritating. I’ve just been relegated to holding my iPhone up to my ear any time I need to answer a call in the car. Next Monday, however, California’s Hands-Free law goes into effect. Although I am not big on chatting on the phone in the first place, as someone who spends quite a bit of time in the car, simply not using my phone on the road isn’t a practical solution. I must find earbuds that stay put!

I’ll be trekking back to the Apple store tomorrow, fingers crossed, where I plan to try on every damn set in the store. In the (all too likely) event that I can’t find a pair that works, I will make some poor salesclerk examine my ears. Then, I’ll come home and build an iPhone helmet.

RESTAURANT NAPKINS could be better.

Fed up with white fuzz on her black pants suits, A.S. asks, “Why do all nice restaurants have white napkins?” Ah yes, A.S., this is one of my pet peeves too.

Before a business lunch, I often go to great lengths to lint roll all of my dog’s shiny white hairs off my just-been-cleaned-but-already-mysteriously-covered-in-fur trousers…only to end up with a lapful of contrasting fluffies.

Even the finest eateries use snow white linens because, in the words of one restaurateur, “they’re easier to clean. You can just bleach them and be done with it.” Excuse me, but when I’m paying $29 for a slab of corn-fed beast, I don’t really care about the joint’s laundry costs

Listen up, master chefs. I’d like a black napkin, please. In fact, I’d like a choice of three or four colors. I ‘m pretty sure I’m not alone in this; I can’t possibly be the only one dry cleaning a Georgio suit after only one wear.

Get with it, Wolfgangs of the world! Even In-N-Out offers fuzz-free lap mats.

MY FRIENDS’ LOVE LIVES could be better.

K.M. has two friends who live in her condo complex. She thinks they’d be perfect for one another, but doesn’t want to meddle—especially because they all kick it Melrose Place-style, around a communal courtyard. So, K.M. asks, “How can I hook my neighbors up on a date without being too obvious?”

  

First of all, what is it with you readers and your personal problems? Doesn’t anyone have a mechanical object for me to improve upon or, perhaps, the proper use of a semicolon in question? Well, while you all search your junk drawers for something I can really “fix,” I’ll help K.M. out.

This is a two-step process. First, find some sort of household problem at your pad that requires assistance in order to be fixed. (The hook-up for a refrigerator’s water filter is a good one, as is hanging a mirror or large painting. Anything that might require two people to lift an item of furniture will also work.)

Once you’ve identified the task, ask your two friends to come over and help you out “for five minutes.” Introduce them, if they don’t already know each other, get them to collaborate in helping you with said unpaid labor, and then give them both a glass of lemonade afterward and let them chat.

Hopefully, this will have kindled some interest. If it does not, bail out now. However, if there’s even a smidge of subtle flirting going on (such as your gal pal playing with her earring or your neighbor dude adjusting his ball cap), you’re good to go.

Now, buy a gift certificate for a cute little restaurant in your hood. Yes, purchase only one. Write both of their names on it and stick it in an envelope along with a “Thanks for your help!” note. Give the gift to Mr. Fix-It. Hopefully, he’ll see that it’s for a party of two and will ask her out. They can go out to dinner “as just friends” (on your generous dime) and the rest will be up to them.

If, for some reason, Dick doesn’t ask Jane out, let it be. Either he didn’t get the hint, didn’t have the courage to make it happen, or didn’t want to eat spaghetti—a la Lady and the Tramp—with your buddy. No matter which of these scenarios it is, rest assured, she’s better off single.

Now, about those solo-TV dinners and your recent piano lesson obsession … perhaps there’s another stud in your condo corral who can help you with that complicated DVD hookup in your bedroom. I think you could use a little neighborly “help” as well, my dear. Just a thought.

YOUR PROFILE could be better.

Frustrated at his attempts to woo the female of the species online, P.K. asks, “Do you want to edit something for me? How about my MySpace profile? I want to attract women. Shocking, huh?! What shall I write to attract the fairer sex?”

 

 

Although this traipses into the Dear Abbey realm, I think I might be able to help out on this one, P.K.  Not only am I an online dating veteran (still have some of the shrapnel to prove it, actually), I also met my lovely boyfriend on MySpace nearly one year ago.  (It was entirely his doing, by the way.  I’m far too cool to troll the web.  Ahem.) 

In any event, it really all boils down to a very self-centric profile, filled with obscure things that you enjoy and inside jokes, whilst giving the outward impression that you couldn’t care less if anyone else gives a damn.  It’s kind of like high school, in that regard.  Then, again, this is MySpace that we’re talking about. 

I’ve taken the liberty of comparing your answers with a couple other guy pals of mine, who both seem to attract more than their fair share of net-tail.  Hopefully, the contrast will provide more insight than embarrassment.  If not, keep in mind, I warned you all that I’m not that great at the “people skills” thing.

   

AGE:  First of all, list your true number—even if you’re not defined by it.  My example dudes, C. and D., both list their true ages.  Not giving any age (or going with “100”) shows a lack of confidence about the candles on your cake…and, actually, makes everyone think you’re older than you are—no matter how many clicks are on the odometer.  (Note: This maxim is only true for guys.  Women have to list bogus ages so that they don’t get randomly browsed all the time.  Lame, but true.)

   

ABOUT ME:  There is a lot of leeway in this section, but there are certain commonalities that I’ve found to be true of the eCassavonas. 

1.     Swear at least once in this section.  It shows you’re human and reinforces the fact that you don’t give a flip about convention.  Added bonus: Chicks dig bad boys.  Particularly good choices seem to include “bullshit” or “fuck.” 

2.    Refer to things that are specific only to you.  For instance, D. writes that he is an “amateur photographer, full-time enabler,” while C. notes, “I am superstitious about the things I like.”  These statements clearly aren’t designed to attract anyone; they simply leave ‘em wanting more.   

3.    Make sure to allude to the horizontal mambo, either directly or indirectly.  C. flat out says: “I am an artist, whether using words, colors, music, or sex (lots of sex),” and D. admits that he’s an “all-around hedonist.”  It may seem tactless to talk it up to someone you don’t even know, but let’s face it, a woman knows within five minutes of meting a man whether she’d ever consider sleeping with him.  You have to plant the seed before you even get to her front door.  (Wait…that sounded kind of dirty.  See!)

   

SONG:  Make sure you have a great tune on your page.  The ladies need to be put in the mood to stay and read a while.  I’d recommend a female-sung ballad or any piano-heavy ditty.  My song right now is “Love Song” by Sara Bareilles.  (Granted, I’m not picking up any fillies, but still…)  Also, don’t worry that your song will sound gay.  D. has a great k.d. lang tune kickin’ that sure made me want to linger.

   

INTERESTS (and all they entail):  The more specific, enigmatic, and obscure, the better.  D. is definitely on the right track here with things like “single malt scotch, travel, ice cream, Magritte, Playstation” (and so on.)  C. is simply straightforward with “Photoshop rocks!”  Neither is trying to impress any ladies with these kooky faves…and, yet, they do. 

Things that do not prompt a PYT to click the “Add Me” button include well-worn words such as: car, boat, motorcycle (which sound showy); surfing, skiing, rollerblading (which everyone claims to do but no one has actually done in years); and dining out, movies, museums (sorry, but these keywords are the realm of the serial dater).

   

WHO I’D LIKE TO MEET:  You’ve probably figured out by now that I’m going to tell you not to write anything about meeting “The One.”  (That really ought to be covered in the “Here For” spot in your “Details” section.)  Don’t worry; she’ll see it there.  I promise. 

Once again, be really specific and honest.  You’re obviously not looking for just anyone interested in a meaningful relationship.  I’m assuming you want to find someone that really clicks with you—not just a child bearer.  Don’t be afraid of alienating someone that “might” be right.  She won’t be.  And the one that is right won’t be intrigued by a generic, “I’ll take any woman above a seven” approach.   

D. has nothing at all listed in this section, which definitely fits the enigmatic mold…but is probably not the best tack for you.  C. asserts that he wants to meet someone who, “give without expectations, and receive without guilt” and is able to, “be alone without disappearing.”  Now, that’s compelling.

   

OVERALL:  Last, but not least, you must “pimp” your page.  A blank page says “I have no idea what I’m doing here, but it seems like a good place to pick up chicks.”  As we’ve reviewed earlier, your approach should be, “My page is so damn cool that everyone should be flocking to it…even you…if you feel like it, I guess.”  A MySpace page without a background is like a studio apartment without any art on the walls.    

Go to freeweblayouts.net or groovymachine.com or some other such site and get busy.  (Just make sure your pop-up blocker is on.)  It’s not nearly as complicated as it seems; the directions are all there.  Basically, it just involves pasting code into your “About Me” section.  If you can’t figure it out, ask anyone under the age of 27 to help you.  

 

In summary, the very essence of MySpace is individuality, expression, and personal taste.  It’s a free-range vestige in today’s homogenized world.  Let the naysayers do exactly that; MySpace is actually a wonderful place to meet people. 

My favorite thing to tell people about Los Angeles is that since it’s a city of ten million people, if you’re one in a million, that means there are nine other people just like you.  You just have to find them.

Even more whimsy…

For Friday: http://www.jamphat.com/rap/

For Saturday: http://www.pillowfightlosangeles.com/

You’re welcome!

A HO-HUM LIFE could be better.

After having a particularly blasé day, reader K.C. asked, “How can I add more whimsy into my everyday life?”

Whimsy is something that everyone can use, K.C.!  My advice is to try whistling.  (Seriously.)  It doesn’t matter whether its a full fledged song or just a few random notes.  It’s almost impossible not to be perked up by a few seconds of whistling. 

In Amsterdam, people whistle all the time.  They also ride bikes (which definitely adds some extra lightness to the day).  I’ve yet to see a gloomy person in that city, and I don’t think it’s just the drugs making people smile. 

If a little pucker-up-and-blow doesn’t do the trick, I suggest creating a makeshift maraca out of anything on your desk.  I find that my tape dispenser (with sand in the bottom) works the best.  But a container of paper clips, mechanical pencil, or change cup will do the trick too.  (In a pinch, you can always turn your stapler into a castanet.)  Now shake, shake, shake for a few seconds…and let your whimsy flag fly. 

Note:  You are absolutely allowed to feel ridiculous while you do either of these things.  I find that a little giggle before or after cures that right up. 

Postscript:  If you have a cube slave near you who objects to your one-man band in happy land, simply ignore him.  He is clearly incapable of whimsy.  (Alternately, you can direct him to my blog, where he is welcome to ask me how to shut you up.)   

PARKING ENFORCEMENT could be better.

After receiving a check in the mail for 37 cents for child support, reader C.R. says, “How come you can get your car booted for a couple hundred dollars in parking tickets, but not for tens of thousands in back child support?

Good point, C.R.!  I absolutely agree.  Meter maids (or whatever the PC term for them these days is) have to run the license plates anyway.  Why don’t they scan for outstanding warrants while they’re at it?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m relatively anti-Big-Brother, but the technology already exists to put this into action.  In fact, they already do it in other states.

Getting all of those irresponsible folks off the road might just result in a decrease of accidents (since it’s likely that those particular drivers are causing many of them), which could lower responsible motorists’ auto insurance premiums.  Granted, it’s far-reaching, but a plausible theory nonetheless.  Depending on the number of deadbeat dads out there, it may just reduce our commute times as well.  S.M.I.F.L.s of the world, unite!  (Single Moms In Favor Of Less Traffic)